Following a recent incident at gym I thought it might be
worthwhile to set out some tips on gym etiquette. Use them.
Seriously. Stop being a schmuck.
Gym floor etiquette
Never ever use a sweat towel. There is very little your fellow gym-goer
likes more than sitting in your leftover crotch sweat, leaning against your
back and head sweat or grabbing weights slathered in your hand sweat. Hygiene is totally overrated.
Eat while training. All the time.
A half chewed banana, combined with a slug of protein shake, is exactly what we all want to see dripping from the sides of your mouth first thing in the morning.
Leave your mark. Make sure, if you use that sticky white shit to get a better grip on heavy weights, that you get it everywhere.
Everywhere.
Lift heavy.
Rather tear a muscle or snap a tendon that look like a pussy. Plus the
heavier the weight, the more you can yell and grunt, and heaven knows we all
love a yeller and a grunter!
Be sure to throw those weights down as hard as
you can. The louder the crash, the bigger
your balls. True story.
Guys, you might sometimes encounter a dodge woman who
lifts more than you do. Be sure to go
ahead and call her butch or a dyke. Chicks
dig that.
Leave every weight you use all over the
floor. The bigger the obstacle course
you leave for everyone else, the more impressive you are. Extra points if
someone falls over the weights and breaks an ankle.
Always, always start conversations when someone
is mid set. This is the most opportune time to do so and they will be at their most attentive.
Be sure to ask anyone else on the floor
(especially mid set – see above) what the time is. The 17 clocks on the walls around the gym are
for decorative purposes only.
Sometimes, when doing kickbacks for example, the
correct stance involves sticking your out bum. Be sure not to miss this opportunity to stand
and stare at the ass of any woman doing this – she loves the attention and will
definitely not lob you upside the head with her weights.
Avoid deodorant at all costs. The best gift you can bring to the gym is the
smell of your sweat. Especially day old
sweat. Even more especially garlic and
rum infused day old sweat. Damn that’s
sexy.
Men, you need to stock up on tight spandex and/or very loose very short shorts.
We women are so turned on every time you squat or do a leg lift and
either your stallion (!!!) escapes from the barn, or, in the case of spandex,
your jumping bean does the Duracell bunny shake.
It is totes ok to monopolise 6 machines at once
and call what you are doing super sets. Mark that shit. Use your watch, your cellphone, your sweaty
sock, your wrist band, your earphones – whatever you have at hand. No need to share. Oh and take your time – no rush.
When encountering larger people in the gym,
point and make comments like fatty and dikgat and be sure to add vomiting
sound effects. It’s a public service
really. After all, when you joined the gym you were a
perfectly toned, fit and gorgeously bronzed vision of perfection.
If you are either super skinny or extremely rotund you need to pay
attention to your wardrobe. Shirts featuring logos for EFC, UFC, Tapout and the like are essential. Shirts with slogans like "Fart now loading" and "Blink if you Want Me" are also acceptable.
Take selfies at the gym. As many as you can. And if you see someone hot training nearby, take photos of them too. They will be so excited to be part of your collage of Instagram gym pics.
If someone is using a machine you wish to use,
walk up real close, sigh and tap your watch.
Feel free to lean over the machine and repeatedly ask how many sets they still have to go.
If someone is using a weight / mat / kettlebell
that you want, go take it from them. It’s
your right. Nay it's your obligation.
Women – ensure that your hair is done and you
are wearing a full face of pancake like makeup. No
one wants to see your bed hair and wrinkles.
Sies.
Changeroom Etiquette (being a woman, I
can only speak from the female perspective so feel free to adapt, as need be,
for the men. Or don’t)
Flushing the frikking toilet is optional.
Feminine hygiene products are not private. Communal changeroom areas are exactly the
place for sorting this stuff out. Don’t hide
in the toilet stall or private areas. Own
your womanity. Jirre.
For the love of all that is holy never sit on a
towel in the steam room / sauna. Your
leftover snail trails add character to the otherwise boring mosaic tiles.
If you see me using a mirror to put on my
make-up, by all means share the space with me and shave your under arms, legs
or your pubes. You will not be dealt a
swift blow to the temple.
Leave your eye liner shavings, used tissues, pad
wrappers and empty moisturiser tubes lying around. It’s called job creation. That’s what the cleaners are there for.
As soon as someone gets on the scale, peer over her shoulder and give her a sympathetic pat on the butt. Shame man. It’s the
right thing to do. Otherwise that chick
will never face reality.
Truth be told, there are many more of these nuggets I could offer but I feel that, if you stick
strictly to the above, you will be well on your way to making many friends and influencing people. Good luck with that, see.
But that’s just my opinion.
